Who is the Royal Sultan?
Chairman and CEO, Sultan Inc.
Often described as a living deity with an impeccable physique, the Sultan was not, “Gods gift to man,” he was, Gods savior to women. Rumored to be a chauvinistic womanizer, the Sultan maintains a “working harem” reputed all over Dubai, that he spoils approximately 40-50 women. Each year, the Sultan holds a “Royal Harem Apprentice” competition where the Sultan hand picks new prospects for the coming year. The winner of that apprenticeship, accompanies the Royal Sultan to the Annual Oil Barons Ball. An entire year-round staff is dedicated to this venture, due to the dizzying exhibition of requests to serve him. What is known, is that all his women live by an everlasting bond called, “Loyal to Royal.” Each day after their duties have been fulfilled they spend the rest of the day recuperating in the Sultan’s sprawling 100,000 sq. ft. palace.
The Sultan controls an oil empire, so expansive, it stretches to the far corners of the world; driving his insatiable appetite for the elusive “Black Nectar of the Gods,” it has often lead him to investigate some of the worlds most inhospitable places. Each hole he has drilled have been completely unique. Some holes are tiny and need to be enlarged to a precise diameter, while others are bottomless pits, that EVEN the Sultan himself, would never explore. In the later case, his usually sells those wells off. Due to the tremendous depths of the Sultan’s oil wells, every Sultan Inc. employee that works in the his Exploration and Production Division must carry two sets of clothing. Their normal set of work clothes and a set of clothes with some Chinese flare. You see, the Sultan has been known dig so deep, there is always the possibility of encountering the “Far East Syndrome.” In that case, every worker must be prepared to go out for a night on the town in China. The phrase, “digging so deep, you’ll reach China” was invented by the Sultan himself, among other notable accomplishments, like the invention of the internet. (Sorry, Al Gore!)
Education
- Harvard University – Geophysics: Hole Drilling, Ph.D
- Yale University – Fuild Dynamics: Black Nectar Exploration, M.S.
- Stanford University – Le Beercan Landscaping, B.A.
Sultan Inc. Companies
- Sultan Inc. Oil and Gas Exploration (Worldwide)
- Sultan Inc. Coffee Bean and Green Leaf Division (Columbia)
- Sultan Inc. Winery Division (France)
- Sultan Inc. Fashion and Fragrance Division (Italy)
Sultan Factoids
- His ultra-rare English Pipe Collection has an estimated value of 10 million dollars.
- Loves oldies music: 50′s
- Hunts large wild game with his bare hands
- The Sultan’s yacht is nuclear powered
- Women dont date the Royal Sultan, the Royal Sultan dates them.
- Sexiest feature? His charm.
- Speaks 5 languages
- Estimated Net Worth: 40 Billion
- Celebrity Ex-Girlfriends: Sophia Bergera, Ivanka Trump, January Jones, Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson
Awards
- “The Majestic” title, gifted by King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia (2000)
- Wildcat Award (2000)
- “Lord of Oil” title, bestowed upon him by the Queen of England (2001)
- Deep-Hole Award (2003)
- Robes to Riches Award (2000, 2001, 2003)
- Bottomless Pit Conqueror (2008)
- Oil Baron of the Year (2009, 2010, 2011)
- Oil-naire Award (2011) Presented by OPEC at their Annual meeting.
Sultan Inc. Signature Brands
A connoisseur of everything, he also develops his own signature brands that showcase his exceptional tastes. The Sultan’s top selling signature brands, include but not limited to: his patented crude oil fragrances and ultra premium brands of coffee.
Coveted Crude Oil Spotted Robe™
Hand-stiched by children in a 100 degree sweatshop in Eastern China, these garmets are intricately woven into a cloth so majestic, the good lord himself wears one proudly.
Sultan-Agra™
Hey, its no secret that my competitors drills will wear out and eventually go dull. **lol** When they do, the Royal Sultan will be there to profit from them.
Crude Oil No. 5™ (For Men and Women)
The first of its kind, “Crude Oil No. 5″ hit stores in early 2009 and was an instant success. The entire ten million units that were produced sold out overnight. This signature fragrance is often referred to as the “Sultan’s Magical Aura.” This tantilizing fragrance was almost outlawed by the National Federation for Great Smelling Fragrances because of its beneficial side effects. One wiff of this patented “Elixar of Ecstasy” is enough to make most women simply undress, fall to their knees and worship the Royal Sultan. **lol** How it is made is a closey guarded secret but I can tell you that the Sultan’s precious Black Nectar is envoled in every step of the year long process.
Hint of Crude™ and Crude Oil Bubbly™ Champagne
There are three passions in the Sultan’s life: Oil, Women and his signature wines. Sprawling 500 acres, on a vineyard nestled in the valley of Reims, France the Sultan Inc. Wineries began experimenting with different hybrids of grapes in late 2005. Today it is a fully grown winery that offers two distinct wines on a limited basis. It is not uncommon for the Sultan Winery to sell out their priceless full-bodied wines even before they are bottled. The Sultan could care less about recycling, however, when it come to his signature wines, he proudly uses his stockpile of 55 gallon drums to store his precious wines.
Oil-Slicko-Chino™ and Crudo-Chino™ Coffees
“Oil-Slicko-Chino” and “Crudo-Chino” are easily one of the Sultan’s mosted desired brands of coffee. Endorsed by none other then Juan Valdez himself. These robust “Beans of the Gods” can easily add a dense patch of chest hair to any gentleman who consumes them. For women, customers have reported that it enhances their backsides by toning up their buns.
What sets these coffees apart from “no name” brands like Starbucks?
All Sultan Inc. orchards are strickly maintained by an army of peasants affectionately known as the “Bean Doctors.” The Sultan has found the “Bean Doctors” have an unwaivering passion for farming. Every morning they travel by mule to the scenic mountains of “Mesa de los Santos” where they ascend to the hillsides tending crops. Every bean is certified, cataloged and maticulously polished to a mirror like finish.
How does the Sultan infuse a “hint of crude” into his signature coffees?
That is a Sultan Inc. Trademark secret but what I can tell you is… **lol** A gentlemen never tells.
The Man, The Myth, The Majestic Royal Sultan, Lord of Oil – Imperium Sine Fine
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